Woman decides to cut off cheating ex and completely 'disappear' from his life. UPDATED 2X

"Need Advice on Dissappearing from His Life."

TL,DR: My boyfriend has been cheating on me with his ex. I cannot forgive him. I’ve been the breadwinner and helped him towards building his business, paid for his expenses and was abandoned and cheated when I got really sick in return. He hates my rescue cats because he got into his head that he wanted to move his family (mother/siblings) in but never brought this up before.

I (F36) have dated Nick (M37) for 3 years. I wasn't perfect but my perception is that we have had an overall positive relationship until a year ago when I caught him cheating. I’m financially independent and have been a careful planner in terms of my finances. I’ll be completely debt free in January.

I had a hard time forgiving him, but he did everything to regain my trust and we had a somewhat smooth run for about 8 months. He asked me to help him start a business, which I did in part. I wrote the plan according to his idea, coached him through getting his permits and all other steps. He didn’t follow thru.

First it was that he “didn’t have time”, then it was that he was anxious because getting it off the ground wouldn’t be immediate. So in other words, I created a business for him where I would be his main client. This sounded like a happy medium since he wanted me to appoint him as my partner and that’s unthinkable.

For background, I went to college and while being an average student, I did work hard later on when I found my first job to make up for not having an excellent academic record. I earned certificates and invested in my education however I could to improve my chances.

It paid off. I’ve been self employed since I was 28. When I met Nick, he told me he owned a small agency but was about to get a government job since the economy wasn’t helping. I was perfectly okay with that.

Things were going well until I found out that he was seeing his ex. This was a huge blow for me because I didn’t know what I did for him to do this. I did everything in my power to be supportive and to be a reliable SO. I did my best to look nice for him, and I was contributing to the household (I paid half of everything, and it was my place).

We had a long crisis until I chose to forgive and let go. During this new “honeymoon phase”, he got a better job, treated me with love and was very attentive to my feelings. I began to see red flags early this past October. He suddenly wanted me to be hands off from his startup, didn’t want to go out and lost interest in intimacy. He became grouchy and rude. It was all about him and his needs.

He’d lost his job last year. We moved to a house I leased in January. I love the house but it created friction between us. I’m an animal lover. My landlord doesn’t interfere with my pet related activities as long as I can keep the place clean. I built a catio for my 10+ cats that I’ve rescued. It’s an indoor space with controlled temperature and all their supplies are available to them 24/7.

This was my dream. I wanted to help those kitties stay off the street since I’ve been feeding them for years. Also, they have all their shots. One of them had CKD but bounced back. Nick knew this from the start. The house is clean, no pet smells thanks to the automatic cat litter boxes. He resented the cats because he “wanted” his family to move in. The answer was no.

We never discussed this. He went as far as to ask me to get rid of the cats and suggested I put them up for adoption. The cats were not his expense. He hasn’t worked a steady job in months while I’ve helped him fund his “business meetings” because I didn’t want to kill his dream. He does contribute but significantly less.

I cannot live with his family. They are choosing beggars and moochers. The pattern is that his siblings and himself break off their relationships as soon as babies are born. I realized this too late. Nick says his ex “went crazy” after she gave birth. His brother tricked his ex into moving with her parents while he found a home for them and the baby.

He never found a house, but knocked her up a second time so her parents banned him from stepping into their home. The youngest brother high tailed his wife when she had her second baby. All his siblings and his mom live together. His reason for wanting them to move in was that we had 3 spare bedrooms plus a very large family room and that it would be great if they SAVED ON RENT.

So, I guess there was no intention to contribute. Long story short, I got really sick by the end of october. I never got so much as a kind gesture from him. I cried due to body aches and he just stayed away. His excuse is that I could be contagious (it wasn’t covid)

He never asked me if he could get me anything to eat and hardly ever came to check on me. I spent a lonely Thanksgiving while still recovering because he left to be with his family. My loved ones aren’t near because I left everything for him. At some point, we talked about marriage.

I recently found out he is back with his side chick. I was gonna hire a P.I. but it’s not worth it. I already know what I need to know. I got ahold of his phone and found about 3 weeks worth of texts. They are definitely sleeping together. I’ve held this inside of me because at first I was in too much pain to confront him.

I don’t wish it on anybody. We are hardly on speaking terms and he hasn’t even bothered to ask me what’s wrong. I didn’t find anything on his “girlfriend’s” social media (Laura). I did find more than I needed to know from her mother’s profile. He has been active in their lives since at least last summer and has been lying to me.

This hits close to home. While he’s been lying to me about going to job interviews without any luck, I’ve been partially financing his lifestyle. He has a so-called business trip to the BVI. I no longer think there is business involved. Or, he may be combining business with something else.

I don’t know if this is a fake business conference or what and I don’t wanna know. I did see Laura’s mother’s social media and she vaguely mentions a trip abroad. I’m leaving him first because of the pain he’s causing me and second because he’s a liar. I need advice to see if there’s anything I’m leaving out from my to do list as I’ll be disconnecting from him.

I’m not granting him the luxury of knowing that I’m pulling the rug in advance. I already talked to the landlord as I’ll be leaving the house slightly earlier. I’ll be using Nick’s trip to uproot myself.

I already hired a company that specializes in pet transport since I’m concerned about flying pets in cargo. I have all their health certificates in order so they will be coming to pick my kittens up by 9 AM.

Nick’s flight leaves much earlier so he needs to be out by 6AM. I’m moving closer to my family and I’ve already made arrangements to board my pets until a new catio is built for them. My sister will take care of it. I will be living on my own property.

I’ve arranged for the movers to come the same day in the afternoon. That way I'll have time to pack and separate my stuff from his. I’ll have all his personal items shipped to his mother’s house because I don’t want any personal interaction. All business efforts have been canceled. I’ve made sue he gets no access to my clients and deleted the business plan, etc.

I need to change all my passwords and all the pins on all my cards and the Visa I’ve allowed him to use for emergencies because he might be able to draw from it. I also need to drain the bank account I let him use for business expenses and close it. I think it’s best if I do it while he’s flying to keep him from using them.

IDK if I’m leaving anything out. I will leave immediately to avoid any surprises (his family coming to confront me, etc). He can now move in with his GF if he wants. I think she lives with her parents, but he will no longer be my problem. Any suggestions? I’d hate to leave any loose ends.

UPDATE: I MOVED OUT AND I'M SAFE!!

TD,DR: I moved out and made it safely. I’m still groggy and tired from it all, so please excuse any involuntary typos. Everyone has been so nice that I thought an update would be in order instead of keeping concerned redditors waiting.

First of all, thanks to all of you who took the time to send me your good wishes and pieces of advice. You’ve been really helpful. I take your good faith to heart. I created a checklist with all your suggestions to make sure that I made a clean exit (or as clean as possible).

The pet transport service was on time. I’m glad that my cats made it safely. My sister was very helpful and took care of the new catio which will be the entire middle bedroom. It’s very spacious (bigger than my old catio) and they will be happy there. I’m not too crazy about outdoor catios because I love keeping them indoors. They can enjoy “sightseeing” from the windows.

Nick seemed to be in a hurry to leave. I thought he might leave by 6 AM but he left before 5. I spent the night (or most of it) canceling services he wouldn’t notice and keeping things in order. I’m glad I never gave up my home office. He wanted me to give it up so that we could use the room to accommodate his family.

He already had the mental picture that I should do it plus give up my cats so that the catio would become an additional bedroom. I find the home office really useful as I need to have a separate mental space. This is how I close my work day, log off and avoid constantly checking work on the computer.

I could never do that if I kept my office space where I sleep. I locked myself all night to “work” on removing any link to him. Still painful but my resentment is helping me despise him even more.

After he left, I was able to separate his belongings from mine until the pet transport came in. I was nervous (thinking that he might suddenly show up) but thankfully, it didn’t happen. I stopped by to donate his business suits on my way to the bank. A scumbag doesn’t need nice suits. I don’t know why I let him talk me into getting him nice clothes “to look presentable” at work meetings.

He never completed anything, not even after business meetings. I also donated all our unopened food. I hate throwing away food. I got a list of documents the bank required to close/drain accounts so I’m glad the teller was helpful. I took advice from redditors and went to a different branch to avoid familiarities between Nick and bank workers.

I locked my credit, reported all cards as stolen including his emergency Visa, the ATM he used for occasional business expenses and removed him from all my rewards systems (pharmacy, supermarket, etc.). I changed my phone number a bit later so there’s no way he can use them.

The main reason for me to keep my old number for a short while was to avoid being disconnected should his family call. If they called, I would be warned that something was up. Mainly, I tried to use his 8 hours of air travel to disable all financial ties to avoid confrontation.

The movers took a little longer because some furniture needed disassembling. I gave them all his tools and workbench that I gifted Nick. They also helped me take down the catio. I had the landlord keep the bed as I’m repulsed. All his belongings were documented and shipped to his mother. I was told It could take a day or two. The landlord already got the keys.

I left ASAP after cleaning up because I was nervous he would call his family (in case he tried to use the cards) and they would show up to my place. I donated most of my clothing (same place where I left Nick’s suits) to avoid triggering memories. I don’t need all that stuff.

I’m not a fancy dresser so whatever replacements I get won’t be expensive. I took all the electronics I bought for him (game console, tablet, desk top). The latter were my efforts to help him build an office. More on the tablet below.

I left for a B & B about 4 hours away to make sure I didn't run into his family. I’m still tired and mentally exhausted, but I’m satisfied that I did it before Nick landed in the BVI, tried to use the cards, found out, sent someone since he was blocked from my phone, etc.

I kept finding things that made me feel even more stupid but what's done is done. I opened his external memory to delete any of the files that I created and found an e-business card with his ex’s (now side chick) name as “Chief Marketing Director'' for the company I created for him. This is beyond dishonesty. And please, marketing director my ass.

They are living in a dream. I was told in my previous post to expose him to her but she knows about me. Her texts were sometimes insistent on him making a choice and sometimes very passive about understanding he needed time. Her mother and sister both did a FB check- in at a BVI airport, so this is definitely not a business trip.

Let them cover for his expenses now. I don’t think her mother likes Nick because their texts make reference to some parental interference from her mom. I’m sure Nick’s shit show will begin when he tries to get into our place. Maybe the owner already changed the locks by then. If not, he must already know as his stuff was shipped.

I will take advice and go to therapy because my levels of anxiety are over the top.

About his tablet: I logged on to it and found it logged on to his email accounts and texting. It was both cathartic and awful.

I found out he’d been fired from his government job. It’s not that he “lost his job”. He got fired, lied to me about getting a new job and then lied about not getting paid. From what I gathered, he spent days walking around the mall and IDK for what purpose. She constantly asked him if he was at XYZ shop. Sometimes he sent her pics of his breakfast (at the mall).

I started that relationship fair and square. He was single. At least I’m glad I was never a side piece. His breakup with her is confirmed by the messages. She’s very young (F25), has a job and comes from a tight knit family from what it looks like on her mother’s FB page.

Their messages also let me know what a low life he is. He wanted her to actively market his (non existent) business and WHEN she succeeded, then he would be comfortable about leaving me.

He told her he would have left me earlier but she needed to understand that would “affect” him and she needed to understand that. She replied with desperate messages that she was looking for a better job. Sometimes she was docile and didn’t push him.

Nick showed up one day with a rolling case bag full of documents. He said we could use it to call in clients. I was excited until he said it was from his ex’s office, that those files were meant to be discarded so he will use them. That was among the first red flags that I got when I found out they were back together.

I refused, 1) because those are confidential client files and it’s illegal 2) because I wanted nothing to do with her. So, in other words, her boss entrusted her to dispose of them and she turned them over to Nick.

I had lawyered up about this some time ago. Initially, I wasn’t gonna do anything but after reading her unkind messages when I was sick, I decided to turn the files over to her boss via my lawyer. No further action will be taken on my side, but aside from screwing her up, I need to make it clear that I never used/took advantage of those files, just in case she and Nick get in trouble somewhere along the way.

I’m safe and happy to be so near my family, but I’m mentally drained. I feel dirty and disposable. His family knew. His friends knew. She knew I existed and said I was playing sick to get pity. She texted that I wasn’t helping more financially because I’m greedy. His replies reinforced this.

His empty goals played a part here. He’s been promising her that he will “make it big” and talks too much shit about an industry he hardly knows. All he had were my good faith and knowledge. He never nurtured his own network because he gets mad when he's told “no” but does nothing to be worthy of people’s time. I will NEVER help a man build himself, EVER.

I need to refocus and rebuild my life. I want to help my sister. Maybe I’ll take chunks of Nick’s so- called business and develop it for her, if she agrees. I need to lose my feeling of being invalidated. It helps that I left a shit show behind for them to deal with. Let Nick move in with his sharp tongue sister and her unruly kids that she allows to climb on the wall if they could.

Let him find out how the website has been taken down. He asked me to back him up to occasionally pay for the business dinners. I wonder if he tried to be a hero and tried to slide the card for his side chick's family’s meals. I will never know.

I hope he “enjoys” living with his little brother and his baby mama drama from an ex who is now successful and wastes no time dragging him down. I’d love to see the “situation” when his other brother gets yelled at and taken to court by his ex (this is basically a yearly event). Or when his sister goes crazy and starts yelling because her ex walked out on her and somehow, this is everyone else’s fault.

New update:

TL, DR: I’m relatively fine after my disastrous break up. I heard he found out and lost his shit. My ex tried to get my former landlord to open the door of our old place for him after I sent all his belongings to his mother’s home. He lied to the landlord and said his key was broken.

Then he made up several stories to get him to open the door. The landlord almost called the police because he wouldn’t leave, and his sister got feisty. It seems like he got attached to the place and can’t process that it’s no longer his home. His AP may have broken up with him already.

Thanks for your kind replies and messages. My update is kind of fragmented as it’s not firsthand knowledge. I spent New Year’s Eve with my family. It was both weird and a relief. It was so nice I almost felt out of place since Nick’s family is kind of difficult in terms of keeping their relationships together. Their holiday gatherings tend to bring a lot of tension.

So my New Year’s Eve was simple. I went to visit family and got to enjoy the gathering with old friends we’ve known for years. I liked the feeling of just being a regular person and not having to be guarded against getting on MIL’s or SIL’s bad side or feeling that my SO isn’t making an effort to compensate for me being away from my family.

My sister agreed to allow me to help her set up a new business. I’ll be coaching her. She won’t have to go crazy looking for clients as I’ll outsource some tasks to her. I’ll be helping her get new clients once she fully learns and masters her new trade. Also, this will surely allow her to practice while gaining credibility.

She’s a hard worker and she already enrolled in courses so that she can gain some expertise. My sister is a patient learner who writes everything down. I love it because it encourages me to keep it up.

I had a chance to get to know my teenage nieces and nephews a little better (they grew fast while I was away) and to actively participate in helping the family pets stay in a room where they would be safe during the fireworks madness. I rolled the storm stoppers at home before I left so hopefully it helped with sound insulation.

I left my family’s home early the next morning and spent the whole day in my pajamas watching comedy shows. Honestly, lounger wear is the best way to ease my malady. I need the lighthearted stuff right now. I got lots of sushi and pizza I treated myself to.

I’m still recovering from my illness, and I think the long trip took a toll because I’m fatigued. It could also be mental exhaustion. Well, my only option now is to get better.

So, about Nick. The sh!t hit the fan at least twice. I got an update from my landlord. My lawyer suggested I give my old landlord my new number to keep communication open should he need anything or need any post move adjustments. I left owing him no money, the catio and everything else were taken down but it’s best to keep communication open to avoid misunderstandings.

Everything was clear between me and Andy (Landlord). He just called to verify that I didn’t give Nick any instructions towards asking him for anything. First, he showed up asking for assistance unlocking the door because “his key was broken” (lying).

The landlord refused, but when he came back, this time with his mother and sister, the landlord called me as Nick claimed that I “said” I’d left some of his stuff with Andy. This makes no sense. I confirmed this is a lie.

Nick wanted Andy to open the door for him, but Andy declined. Andy mentioned things that he just can’t make up. He said Nick told him that he’s a businessman, and a respectable person, and that he’s a victim because I’m trying to take him down because I know he can succeed. This sounds so familiar. Back when we were together, he used to blame unknown enemies for his setbacks.

When I say unknown, just think about “the man”. That shit started when I called him out for not putting enough effort on his goals. Oh, and he said this is happening because “he broke up with me” and I couldn’t handle it. Also, he tried to talk Andy into letting him stay for the remainder of the lease (to extinguish the time frame until next rent) but obviously, the answer was no.

Also, even if he got in, all utilities have been canceled. His sister suggested Nick bring a bed or something to use up the remaining weeks of the lease, but this is a no go since the lease was only on my name. This originated an exchange between her and the landlord. Nick and his family insisted on lurking around after being asked to leave.

He says Nick and his mother made it really hard to get rid of and that his sister sat on the stairs and was defiant. I can’t recall what her reply was when Andy told her that sitting on the staircase wasn’t allowed, but it was enough to piss Andy off. Nick was hell bent on convincing him that he needed to let him in to retrieve his business files and info.

Nothing else happened at this point after they were told the police would be called on them. So Nick and his family went outside and remained in the parking lot. Andy told me Nick looked flushed and unhinged and was talking really fast. Oh, and he demonized me the whole time.

Andy and I had excellent landlord/tenant rapport, so I was kind of embarrassed when he told me Nick tried to put himself at Andy’s professional level and kind of tried to remove boundaries. I know this is on Nick, but it reflects on me also because I was with HIM. That’s all I know from Andy’s side, so sorry if this doesn’t make a lot of sense.

I called my lawyer. It was all covered before I left but I got confirmation that a successful lawsuit is another long shot since Nick only used his mother’s address as his official dwelling place. He even used it in for his legal battle with his ex-wife. I know this for a fact.

My sister sent me screenshots from his AP’s mom’s profile. Nick’s sister and AP’s sister have been at a crossfire over their siblings. I don’t know AP’s sister’s personality, but I know my former SIL is very prone to getting involved. There are lots of cryptic hostile posts.

On his sister’s side, it’s all hatred against her own ex, and lots of venom against “ people who will claim to love you but won’t hesitate to attempt to destroy you” “ never trust someone who claims they will help you but will leave you with nothing” . She also makes reference to “little women who get infatuated with men and dump them after they are finally available”,

“beware of women who behave like groupies, they don’t love you, they won’t stick with you”, “you will learn who really loves you when you have nothing but yourself to offer”. Also, she got lots of quotes with Nick being tagged about “ family being there for you” , “ tomorrow will look better”.

That’s totally them and the dynamics of their family from hell. They love to hurt people but act like victims and are too sensitive to take responsibility. Okay so the AP’s mother has gone crazy in the last 6 days or so. They did celebrate New Year’s Eve and Nick’s face is nowhere to be seen. All of her siblings are shown with their SOs, and she is not shown with him.

Also, all pics showing Nick from the Caribbean family vacation seem to have been deleted. I noticed she wasn’t tagged in her employer’s Xmas post. I’m familiar with that company’s style (I’ll admit I went crazy checking their profile when I first found out about their affair the first time around) and they love to tag their employees (it’s a small company).

She was tagged for Thanksgiving and all the previous e-Greeting posts from every Holiday in 2021. So, they include all their employees in these posts, and she hasn’t been included. Not on the Xmas post. Not on the New Year’s Eve post. Not on the New Year’s Day post. They posted about three entries in between and she wasn’t tagged. Her profile is active, but she’s just not being included.

Her sister who lives abroad posted a picture of all the siblings and she definitely hates Nick. Nick’s AP replied with a nice sentence about family and the sister told her that she’s amazing and that she is sure “God will have great things in storage for you next year.

Remember when a door closes thousands will open and whomever should not be in your life will be removed no matter how painful it gets”. Also, she posts a lot about freeloaders. I don’t like AP, but I feel that somehow, she’s getting scapegoated by his family.

I’m not sure what happened or exactly what went down. They are definitely not together, and she seems to no longer be working at that firm. Her mother seems to be reeling and has been writing a lot about parasitic men, losers seeking someone to latch on to and “mothers are always right”.

TBH, I don’t think their breakup (if so) has to do with me canceling his chances at using me. The vibe I’m getting is that maybe he tried to squeeze more than was acceptable from AP in front of her family. Or I could be wrong.