'AITA for telling my wife that I'm ending our marriage because I found her brother at our house (again)?'
"AITA for telling my wife that I'm ending our marriage because I found her brother at our house (again)?"
I ( M38) left my wife ( Kelly F38) today. 5 years together. 4 married. I have battled her lack of boundaries about her family for the past 2 years. I understand that they are very close knit, but she never paid attention to how their dynamics affected our relationship. I experienced every “justnofamily” situation. My food was eaten, showing up uninvited, meddling, you name it.
9 months ago, MIL and FIL began divorce proceedings ( he cheated, fell “madly” in love with a side chick with whom he's lived for the past 15 years, and he decided that he wants to get remarried). He kicked everyone out of the house. It was an emergency, so I agreed to help out. I so fucking regret it. I had to take 4 people in, but they couldn't think to avoid constantly pissing me off.
I got sick of finding them using our private bathroom (they had complete access to the other full bathroom by the hallway). SIL started taking naps on our bed which is creepy because a bed is too personal. I came home late and we had to wake her up and still waited for her to snap out of her groggy state so that she could walk out.
It lasted for 3 months, but the problems persisted. No matter how many times I told my wife and even told them, they still showed up at random hours. Even if I didn't run into them, I know she was allowing them to come over. I hated their presence. They would eat my snacks and get on my expensive recliner chair which again, they didn't contribute a penny for. I had a mini orchard that they picked empty.
Things got so tense that I blew at her in front of them. They left, we had a fight and I ended up sleeping in a hotel. I warned her many times about being fed up and needing her to support me. She acted like I was demanding that she abandoned her family.
Today, I came home to find her brother's car blocking the entrance. Not on the side and not even on the driveway, just right in the middle where my only option would be to get on the lawn. I go inside and he's laying with his shoes on the couch. He gave me this fresh smile like he's untouchable. I went to our bedroom and packed as much of my belongings as possible and ignored her pleas to talk.
There's nothing else to talk about. I already called a few lawyers but haven't received any replies yet. She cried, but at this point, I have no empathy. I don't even know if I over reacted or if I needed to discuss this in private. I feel defeated and angry and I also hate her family with my soul. They knew they were hurting our relationship and they didn't care. She knew that I'm a private person who hates being invaded.
I helped them because I love her and I didn't have the balls to let them go to sleep in their car. We don't have kids, but there are so many things that will be left undone. I loved her so much, but I just can't do this. She called me immediately after I left and I told her that my decision is final. She sounded shaken, but I told her that right now, I despise her and will never be able to sleep next to her again.
Sorry for any typos. I have a migraine right now. I'm just coming here because I just want to ask if leaving the way that I did was an asshole move and maybe I should have announced my intention of ending our marriage after her brother was gone.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
You spent years communicating your needs and giving her the benefit of the doubt, there’s only so many chances you can give before it becomes pure disrespect. Absolutely NTA, hope you can find some peace now.
As your wife and partner, she should work with you instead of against you. She's enabling her family to treat you poorly. Let them remain a close-knit family, and move on to a healthier life. You deserve it. NTA
Pretty sure her "wanting to talk" still doesn't mean she's going to listen...
Have you asked your wife why she cares so little about herself that she allows her family to run her over and disrespect her marriage and its boundaries?
Prior-Bus9723 OP:
I tried everything, but she feels like she needs to indulge them. I would have preferred they came over while I wasn't home but I didn't trust her or them not to disrespect my belongings. It was everything, food, toiletries that went missing, etc. She got on the defensive and said that I had it out for her family, hence our fighting.
I want to know the brothers reaction to you saying you were leaving her in front of him. Come on, DETAILS
Prior-Bus9723 OP:
Nothing. He looked surprised but mostly kept his "it's not my fault, I'm innocent face", as always.
NTA. Your wife was not your partner. There was absolutely no way for you to ever achieve peace in your own home. I think you lasted longer than most would have. You spent months upon months begging her to help make your home yours again and she refused. No amount of stopping to talk would make any difference. You tried and talked until you ran out of oxygen.
There is nothing wrong with the way you left, nothing else would have ever sank in. It sounds like they wanted you out of the way so they can permanently stay there. They knew you were fed up and also knew their time was limited as long as you were living there. I don’t know who owns how much of what, but you might also talk to the attorney and find out of eviction is necessary.
I know this is a s^%$ty situation, but people that allow others to run their life, home and relationship just cannot work with a partner. She made you her last priority, no one can live like that.
Prior-Bus9723 OP:
This is how I feel, like she was never my partner. I stretched my tolerance to help her family but she wouldn't let me talk when I told her that I had anxiety. I went from being happy at home to dreading the sound of cars thinking it was them. I was feeling vulnerable once and tried to ask her to please see my point.
She yelled at me and called me manipulative, she also said I will FAFO if I continued with my attitude. So I would come home and stay away from them if they were already there because it came to a point where I literally didn't know how else to approach her.