'AITA for telling my mom I can't make my baby suffer the way she and dad made my brother suffer?'

"AITA for telling my mom I can't make my baby suffer the way she and dad made my brother suffer?"

My husband and I (both late 20s) are going through our worst nightmare right now. After trying to conceive for two years and becoming pregnant with our very wanted baby, we have learned that our baby has a fatal fetal abnormality and have decided to end the pregnancy. This was not where we expected to be and it has been gutting. For me a little more because I have some experience with this.

When I was a child my parents had another child, my brother. They learned he also had a fatal fetal abnormality and they refused to accept what the doctors said about the condition and they chose to carry to term and fight for him to survive regardless of what it put him through.

He eventually passed but by that time our family was traumatized watching him suffer like he did and my parents regretted their decision to make him suffer like that. Especially my dad who had been against it for longer than my mom had. I never blamed them though.

I know originally they were given hope that children with my brother's condition didn't suffer badly even if they did survive for a year or two after birth. But my brother's condition was far worse than was typical and they just wanted to believe he'd be okay. But he wasn't. I still remember how much he suffered and I have carried that with me ever since.

So knowing I have a baby with a fatal fetal condition also, knowing that the one my baby has is actually worse than what my brother had, and it's so incredibly rare to survive and that the few babies who have it and make it past birth suffer so much, knowing all that I cannot bring myself to carry to term.

Everyone knew we were pregnant so we have been breaking the news to our inner circle. My dad has been the biggest support and offered us both 100% support. My ILs basically want us to get 100 second opinions until our baby is here anyway. They don't feel like we should just accept it.

That we could be ab-rting a perfectly healthy baby and just because three different doctors agree with the diagnosis and prognosis, it doesn't mean we should believe it. Then there's my mom. Even after everything she is pushing me to carry to term. She has tried to get me to cancel the appointment several times a day. I had to stop answering her calls.

The day is only two days away now and she is not supporting me. Instead she's taking a very strong anti-ab0$tion stance that was unexpected after everything. I have tried to explain to her in the nicest way I can manage that we feel it's for the best and this feels the kinder approach for the baby we love desperately and wanted more than we could express.

But she's pushing back and saying how we should let nature take it's course and have a chance to meet our first baby. She snapped at me yesterday and told me I'm giving up too easily and how could I live with myself if I follow through and k--l my baby. It made me angry and I told her I can't make my baby suffer the way she and dad made my brother suffer.

I told her watching him go through that made me swear I would never. That I would be selfless and instead of selfish because I'm not the one who has to live with that kind of pain and suffering. My mom looked like I slapped her and she told me throwing that back in her face was low and my situation did not excuse it.

I never wanted to throw it in her face but the truth is that's how things happened and it shaped how I feel about this. More than anything I don't want my baby to d*#. I want my baby to grow up and live a happy life. But my baby will pass away. My baby will pass away very young and will suffer if they survive the birth. I have done my research.

I have talked to parents who went through this with the same condition. I have spoken to the professionals. I know what will happen. But I know what I said to my mom hurt her so much. And I want to know if I'm TA for it.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Ravensmere516 wrote:

NTA if your mother hadn’t been pushing for you to change your mind, she wouldn’t have forced you to defend your position with the full truth. Sometimes the truth hurts. You’d been trying to avoid explaining but she was the one insisting.

I am so sorry you’re going through this and that those around you are being unsupportive. I can tell you love your baby and are motivated by that love. Anyone who doesn’t understand that needs to keep their distance (or be forced to) as you navigate this extremely difficult time.

OP responded:

I'm so glad my dad is supporting us. We need someone other than just us and he has been the most incredible source of support for both of us. The fact he comes at this from experience helps even more.

Madam_J100 wrote:

NTA. You got three different doctors telling you the same thing; that the baby will die during or after giving birth. You and your husband are doing what’s best for your unborn baby. Not to make them suffer like your brother did.

What you told your mother was just the truth. She and your father made the decision of keeping a baby that was going to be in great pain and die at a young age. And they paid the price of not aborting.

Why does she so badly want to inflict that same amount of pain on you, your husband, and y’all’s unborn child? Because she is selfish and in denial like she was back then. I am so sorry y’all are going through this and I think it will be best to go LC with your mother for the time being.

MapleGleamm wrote:

You’re grieving and making the hardest decision a parent could ever face, and it’s so unfair for your mom to guilt you like that after what y’all went thru with your brother. Like you’re not throwing anything in her face, you’re just being real about how that trauma shaped you.

She might be hurt but that doesn’t mean your wrong for setting that boundary. No one should expect you to bring a baby into the world to suffer just so they can feel better. You’re doing what’s best for your baby and that’s love in its rawest form.

Swiss_Miss_77 wrote:

Your baby is tragically going to pass, one way or another. No amount of faith or hope or second or third opinions will change that. They WILL die, with pain and suffering or as you are choosing, they will pass away, at peace, with no pain, surrounded by your love. I can think of no more selfless choice.

Was what you said harsh? Yes.
Did it wound? Yes. Were you an AH for it? NOPE. Because the fact is, you NEVER would have said it if she had simply respected YOU as a mother and ADULT, or respected your choice.

You brought out the big guns and let her have it, ONLY because she is making this horrible, excruciating time worse for you with her opinions and judgement and bs. Block anyone (at least temporarily) who is not giving you unconditional support. Take some silence and some peace for you and DH. Take this time to be with each other and that beloved baby.

And afterwards, take as long as you need to grieve with each other. Without the crap from everyone else. You are doing a horrible, but beautiful, selfless, loving thing OP. You are breaking your own heart to protect your baby from pain and agony. You are a wonderful mother. Remember that. NTA.