'AITA to be upset my inlaws are planning a separate bday party for my sons?'

My husband and I bought my mom's house and are currently doing major renovations to it (we're redoing the plumbing and the bathrooms, for example). As a result, we can't really host any gatherings there until the plumbing and the flooring is done.

I knew it would likely not be done in time for our twins' first birthday, which is next weekend. My sister-in-law (SIL2) also is high-needs on the ASD scale and my in-laws don't go many places because taking her with them for any length of time can be a process. There is also SIL1 who has three nieces, so I wanted to specify that for brevity.

I asked my inlaws if, with both of those things in mind, we could host the boys' first birthday party at their house and plan to do a pool party (they have a decent-sized pool and we live in south Florida). MIL asked how many people I would want to invite and I said "the barebones, but with both of our families and closest friends that still comes out to 40-50 people".

They agreed and that was it. I have set very firm boundaries in the past and also have cut my own father out because of some messed up sh!t he did and he's not allowed to be in my sons' lives so they know not to push sh!t with me, but if they weren't comfortable with it I told them I would understand and we'd look at doing it at a park or something. MIL said it was fine.

Months later after I have already made a facebook event and ordered invitations, FIL begins freaking out to my husband that I've invited "too many people." FIL is not on facebook but had gotten on my MIL's facebook and saw the event I made. I added people who could not attend to the facebook event at their request because they wanted a link to the amazon wishlist I made for the boys.

FIL then tells my husband that he said I couldn't have more than 20 people. Keep in mind that just me, my husband, mine and my husband's siblings and nieces, and our parents all come out to 25 people so idk how he thought that was reasonable.

My husband got sick of it and said "fine, we won't have it here." Cue a ton of backtracking but he texted me and asked if I could find a new place. I was standing with my mom and my mom's friend and she graciously offered her house, as they have a new build on an acreage and a large pool as well.

I sent a follow-up text to SIL1 since I never received an RSVP and found out from SIL and MIL today, less than a week before the birthday party, that none of my husbands family will be attending their first birthday party and instead were going to throw them a party on the day my MIL helps me by watching the boys so I can work late. Meaning I can't be there.

I took several hours to cool down and formulate a response, "I am struggling to convey how disappointed I am that none of [Husband]'s family will be at our sons' first birthday party and instead were going to throw a separate party at a time when they knew I would not be able to attend."

My MIL is trying to downplay this and say they'd be happy to do it on Friday instead, but I replied and explained I will be busy after work on Friday and all day Saturday prepping for the birthday party they were supposed to attend. I can hear someone messaging me but I honestly don't want to look but- AITA to be upset about this?

EDIT, because comments are still coming in and I keep answering things in the comments:

1.) MIL watching the twins on Thursdays. In our area daycare is $300-400 a week per kid, and part time is not an option until they're potty trained. I pay a friend $200 to watch them MWF and my mom (whom works full time but has off on Sundays and Tuesdays) watches them on Tuesdays.

2.) They're not doing this for social media clout or to impress family. His side of the family is smaller and only MIL and SIL1 are on Facebook and they hardly use it. The only people attending their small party are MIL, FIL, SIL2, SIL1+ her husband and 3 daughters.

3.) I mostly posted because I just needed to vent/wanted validation about my anger/annoyance because my mom and husband were very calm about this and both just relieved to not have to deal with FIL at the party on Sunday cause he's a bit of an a$$hole.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

tarnishau14 said:

I'd be furious. They tried to ruin your party & when they didn't succeed want to have one without you - the mom? Please find someone else / anyone else to watch your children. Call out sick that day. Do not reward this behavior. What does your husband say about this?

OP responded:

I'm trying to but childcare is insanely priced around here. Right now a friend is watching them half days on MWF and my mom watches them Tuesdays and MIL watches them Thursdays. To put them in daycare would be $300-400 per kid, which is almost all of my paycheck, so I can't really pull them yet, but I want to.

Husband is kind of happy they aren't going to main party because that means he won't have to deal with them, and said I should ignore their "party" because it means we can enjoy the actual party with the boys without them being around. Which is fair, in a way. I explained I'm mostly just angry about how hypocritical they are, if I did this to them they would reign hell down about how "disrespectful i am".

flexisexymaxi said:

Your husband should be the one ripping them a new a$$hole. NTA.

Spiritedpooper216 said:

my own mother is like this and we've had to severely limit contact for her to start understanding. i also had to be very clear with her that these are all my boundaries as she constantly tries to blame my wife

OP responded:

I don't get what the end game is here with these kinds of parents/grand parents. They wonder why we spend more time with other people and then make it harder to be around them. News flash, I'm not going to pick you over people I enjoy more!

And [deleted] said:

NTA and I would not allow this party to happen if you at all can. This is not acceptable.

Three days later, she shared this update:

wanted to include some info that I had a lot of questions on:

1. I have twin sons, they are turning 1, so biggish party because biggish family.

2. I have 25 first cousins. I invited 5 of them (and their spouses/kids) and only 2 confirmed and we're still at 40+ people. If you don't get this, it's okay, but anyone with a large family understands get togethers aren't small.

3. My mom works full time and has offered on Sundays and Tuesdays, so she can only watch them on Tuesdays for me. My friend has been watching them on MWF and my MIL has been watching them on Thursdays. My friend offered to take over Thursdays if necessary so I have that in my back pocket now.

4. Taking off 1 day of work wouldn't normally be an issue but my husband was out of work for two weeks (he's union and was in between jobs) and in that time ended up at the hospital for a week, so I physically could not afford to take off. My friend as already told me to pay her later when I have money and I had to pull from savings to make ends meet.

5. My husband and I both have done individual therapy and couples counseling and have come a long way, especially him. It was don't before we got married because we want to be a united front with all issues, not just his parents. He's usually good about handling them on his own, setting boundaries and enforcing them. There's a reason I haven't posted on any of the JustNo subreddit s in literal years.

6. I can't remember if I posted this in the original post or a comment, but I texted MIL and asked her about doing their party/dinner NEXT Friday, after their actual party and didn't hear back from her. This is relevant.

Now for the actual update.

As I mentioned above, I spoke with my friend when I dropped the boys off on Wednesday with her and she said "fuck that I'll watch them on Thursdays." Previously she was watching her nephew for her SIL on those days but she's been inconsistent ajd really only bringing them to her on Tuesdays. I thanked her and agreed if it was not resolved I would take her up on it, but thankfully everything was resolved.

Husband and I discussed what to do and agreed he'd call his mom and open it with something to the effect of "Hey, OP sent you a message asking about the next Friday for the boys, but she didn't hear back from you, is that okay, or Saturday?" And then if she was okay with moving it, all would be good. If she got pissy or insistent about it, we'd leave the boys with my friend going forward and have a discussion with them about boundaries (again).

The call went well. MIL apologized and explained them going out of town to their vacation home had moved up because the cabinets and countertops they had backordered finally gave them a delivery date and they'd need to leave early in the morning either the day or or immediately after the party.

I dropped the boys off and MIL apologized to me in person and explained the above to me and that she wasn't thinking, but that SIL1 was also being a bit of an ass about birthday stuff, because she tends to be pretty self centered, but she's also a major germophobe (like, she needs therapy and won't get it bad. I literally had a conversation with one of our nieces about audiobooks and suggested she go to the library to get some and she said they're not allowed at the library because there's too many germs there). Trying to solve all the problems at once MIL just was like "well we'll just do a small dinner before we leave and bam done" not thinking about mine or my husband's availability.

So it all worked out thankfully. We're going to do a small dinner with MIL and FIL when they come back down in a couple weeks and enjoy the party on Sunday with everyone else. Husband said there was no SIL or a sign of any party when he picked up the boys.