'AITA for demanding to go through my BIL and his GF's bags if they are staying with us?'
"AITA for demanding to go through my BIL and his GF's bags if they are staying with us?"
I have a pretty severe dairy allergy; I break out in hives, struggle to breathe, and have to carry two epipens with me everywhere. If I get any dairy in my system, I'll end up in the ER. My in-laws know this and have been extremely accommodating since my fiancé and I started dating five years ago.
When we moved in together two years ago, we set strict rules for our home because of my allergy. The big one is that no one is allowed to bring anything that contains dairy into our house ever, no matter what. On to the current story. My BIL started dating his girlfriend a year and a half ago.
They came to visit us together for the first time a year ago, my fiancé made sure my BIL explained my allergy to his girlfriend, and our no-dairy rule. Two days into their stay, she bought dairy products and cooked lunch for herself when we weren't home. I ended up in the ER because of cross-contamination. She apologized and explained she hadn't understood how serious my allergy was.
We managed to put the situation behind us since both my fiancé and I currently have and want to keep a good relationship with my BIL. The two of them came for a second visit 9 months ago. We had a video call with BIL and his girlfriend before the trip to make sure she understood the severity of my allergy and how serious we are about the no-dairy rule.
During their second trip, I was taking out the trash and found candybar wrappers and an empty milkshake container in the guest room trash (the room she was staying in). Even after she saw how serious my allergy is, and how I ended up in the ER, she still brought dairy into our house. I confronted her when they got back.
She and BIL had a huge fight. BIL went through her stuff and threw out everything she had with dairy, we kicked out his girlfriend. (BIL stayed for the rest of the planned trip) BIL and his girlfriend worked out the relationship after the trip and are still together. Since their second trip, BIL has come alone since I don't trust his girlfriend in our house.
Well, BIL is planning a new trip to visit us, and his girlfriend wants to come too. At first, we just said no, we don't trust her. But since we know this is important to BIL, we came up with what we believe is a good compromise. She can come and stay at our place, but we will look through her bags, everytime she comes back to our place.
And if she doesn't accept that she can stay at a hotel or stay home
Now I am being called an ah for treating her like a criminal and that checking her bag is an invasion of privacy. So AITA for demanding to go through her bag if she is staying at my house?
The internet had a lot of thoughts to share.
Window_4_Me wrote:
Is she the one calling you AH? Or is BIL? Explain to anyone who wants to visit you in your home that there are two choices: 1) Stay overnight at your house but follow food rules or 2) Visit you while staying in hotel nearby and meeting in public places.
OP responded:
She is the one called us AH. We are okay with BIL staying since he respects our rule. Their finances isn’t great so they can’t afford a hotel.
Tattletale1313 wrote:
Not sure where you live or what kind of medical insurance you have, but I’d like to know if this heinous reckless idiot paid for your medical expenses and lost wages?
Did you ever consider pressing charges for attempted m#$der the second time?
OP responded:
We have universal healthcare so it didn’t cost us, I also got paid sick leave from work while recovering.
Ziggy_Mo wrote:
Is she the one saying you’re treating her like a criminal? Because that would be enough for me to permanently rescind her invitation. This is life or d--th for you.
OP responded:
Yes, she is the one with a problem with the compromise.
MadamMim88 wrote:
NTA. Technically she is a criminal since you could have pressed charges on her both times. The only reason she doesn’t have a record is because of your discretion. Who’s calling you an AH for this though? And how can you be? She could have k--ed someone!
OP responded:
The GF, BIL thinks she should be thankful we are willing to give her another chance.
jimmap wrote:
Please excuse my ignorance. I understand that consuming dairy can trigger allergies but in your case just touching dairy will trigger bad allergy attacks?
OP responded:
I can break out in hives from touching it (dosent happen every time). The first time she cooked in our kitchen with our pans, but only rinsed it so it looked clean, but didn’t clean it properly so when we cooked dinner I at a reaction. The second time I didn’t get sick but mad she brought it into my home after having sent me to the ER.
GrayBlue_grrl wrote:
She wants to call you names because she betrayed your trust TWICE? She's not allowed in your house because of THAT. AND the attempted murder. Why is he with her? What is wrong with him? NTA.
Impressive_moment876 wrote:
YTA-to yourself. If you can't trust someone to the point where you feel the need to go through their bags, then they shouldn't be in your home. Don't put yourself at risk again for someone else's comfort.
Let them stay in a hotel and she can eat as much dairy as she wants.
Squirrelbowl wrote:
Dude why are you letting her back in? You trying to die? Of course you’re NTA! FFS.
Itsthethrowaway2 wrote:
Whattttt, you’re definitely NTA. Not even a little bit in my opinion. It would be different if this wasn’t a recurrent issue or if your allergy wasn’t serious. To be honest I would tell them to get a hotel.
You shouldn’t be in a situation where you have to perform bag checks inside of your own home. You forgiving her the first time was kind; and she had the audacity to do it again. I wouldn’t risk my safety for it at all if I’m being honest.