Bride refuses to include stepmom's family traditions in her wedding, 'I made her feel less important.' AITA?

"AITA for not including my stepmom's family traditions in my wedding?"

My mom died when I (26f) was very young (4) but my maternal family were a huge part of my life. My dad had no contact with any of his family so mom's was it for me. Plus they were always very supportive, loving and they were there for me when I needed people. They also made me feel like I had a connection to my mom still. Even today they are easily the people I am closest to in my family.

When I was 6 my dad met my stepmom. When I was 8 they got married. She's always considered me her daughter and a "Jones" aka her family's last name by default. Even when she had kids with my dad it stayed that way. But I never felt the same. I considered myself more a "Smith" or mom's last name especially not having any ties to my dad's family.

That always made her sad. She couldn't understand me not jumping to return the feelings she had. It caused some tension over the years. She always blamed my family for that but the truth is I just didn't see it the same way she did.

And now this has become a problem again. I'm getting married later this year and there are a couple of things specific to my mom's family that I'm including in the wedding or as part of the wedding process. One of those is wearing a necklace all the women in my family wore on their wedding days.

The other is spending the night before with your mom or primary maternal figure, who for me is my grandma. She'll be spending the night at mine and my fiancé's place with me the night before the wedding. My stepmom was upset I asked grandma and not her. But I see grandma as filling that role for me and not my stepmom.

My stepmom's family have a few traditions too. A couple of songs they play at every wedding in their family, they have the grandparents of the bride or groom man the gift table (she wants her parents to do this), and they do a dance with both parents regardless of bride or groom at the wedding.

I'm not doing any of that. I'm not even having the father-daughter dance because my dad doesn't dance and even if he did we're not that close. My stepmom has really pushed for me to do her family's traditions if I'm doing mom's family's traditions. She told me it hurts to know I won't embrace being a Jones and a part of her family and that I don't hold any value in her traditions.

I told her she can't change how I feel about this. Then she told me I could change how I feel about it because it's important to her and she deserves to be loved enough by me that I'd do it for her, especially when I made her feel less important than my grandma. AITA?

Here's top commenters had to say about this one:

HoodooEnby said:

NTA. It's your wedding. Do what you want.

Advanced-Pear-8988 said:

NTA - your wedding you call the shots. Doesn’t matter how close you are or aren’t to your stepmom. It doesn’t even sound like you’re that close to her. Do what you want.

VariousTry4624 said:

NTA. "Then she told me I could change how I feel about it because it's important to her and she deserves to be loved enough by me..." Umm, I know she is unhappy about how you feel but you are not responsible for changing your feelings just to satisfy hers. It's not how human relationships work.

serendiipitea said:

NTA. Your stepmother doesn’t get to decide what part of your heritage you relate to and which traditions you want to include in YOUR wedding. She really needs to step off - her feelings aren’t important here.

Few_Throat4510 said:

NTA. Weddings are stressful time. I think it’s best to do what feels right to you. Otherwise you’ll end up looking back on the day with resentment that you caved to someone else’s wants.

Altruistic_Isopod_11 said:

NTA - she is less important than your grandma. It seems like you've never hidden the fact that you're not into her family. Her expectations were always unrealistic and that's on her, not you.