'AITA for telling my wife I want a divorce after she said as a stepdad I have to show up no matter what?'

"AITA for telling my wife I want a divorce after she pointed out that as a stepdad I have to keep showing up no matter what happens?"

I (39m) married Lisa (38f) 4 years ago. She was divorced and had two kids with her ex. They split custody and didn't really co-parent because things were strained between them. But they could both be civil around the kids. The kids in question are 11 and 9 now and Lisa and I have a 3-year-old together.

Problems started when Lisa's ex started giving me attitude and being hostile when I was in his presence. He'd tell me not to speak to HIS kids and to know my place. Lisa would tell her ex to stop and she warned him she'd document all of that but he carried on with these hostile remarks in front of the kids. And eventually the kids started treating me the same way.

Lisa went back to court and the judge ruled that she and her ex had to individually take some parenting classes and that was it. Her ex carried on as he was and the judge didn't do anything further. She was told it wasn't actually parental alienation. The kids had never minded Lisa saying they were our kids. Or me saying stepkids.

I followed their lead on what to call them and I asked them if they'd like me to drop the step and they said no. But Lisa started to have issues with it and the kids started to have issues with her saying "our kids" instead of "my kids" and the kids kicked up a fuss about it. The original conversations with me and them happened before the trouble with their dad started. The fuss started after his comments.

The kids started telling me to stop saying stepkids and they weren't my stepkids. Lisa wasn't happy about me saying stepkids either but the kids didn't want me claiming them as anything and my wife wanted me to claim them as my kids. She started encouraging more of a relationship between us but the kids constantly disrespected me.

She wanted me to take them more places, wanted me to be involved in more of their extra curricular activities. I was already involved to some degree but she was mom, her ex was dad and I was stepdad and not equal to the bio parents. But she said I signed up to be their dad and that was what I needed to be. And I tried to be there more. She said the kids would come around when they saw me being there for them.

Their dad was more hostile to me. He was hostile to the child I share with Lisa too. The kids started rejecting their half sibling. They had never been super fond but at least they would be kind around the youngest but that did end and they were angry about our child's presence. They repeated some of the things their dad did. Lisa went back to court over it all and the judge still did nothing more.

I suggested the kids get therapy and Lisa decided we needed family therapy. But the kids wouldn't talk or listen. And the therapist suggested individual which Lisa ignored. I went on my own and got some good things out of it and I attempted on numerous occasions to communicate the problems I was having to Lisa so we could work through them.

The more time that passes the more Lisa gets angry that I won't "step up and be their dad" but the more I try to be involved the angrier her kids get and the more disrespect I get and if I even try to correct it they get more angry and show more disrespect. The final straw for me happened last week. I had picked the oldest up from practice and in the car they got mad at me for trying to ask how things went.

It started with you're not my dad but went up to saying they would accuse me of a#$sing them because then I'd be punished and would never see them again and it would make them and their sibling happy because they hate me like their dad hates me. I told Lisa about this and she told me I need to remain strong and carry on because they all need me. I asked her if she was serious and she said yes.

I told her that's a serious threat her child made. She corrected me and said our child. I told her if I said that I would likely get physically attacked by one or both of her kids given their anger around it and I told her they themselves have repeatedly said they are not my kids and I am not their dad.

She told me I signed up for it by marrying her. I told her this changed things and she said it didn't. I asked her if the kid or even both kids followed through on that promise and I had to leave the home and couldn't see our child until I was cleared, would she still expect me to keep showing up no matter what?

She told me yes and that even if her kids attacked me or even if they say more horrible things it's my job to keep showing up and to be there. This made me leave. I told her before I left that I wanted a divorce and I would not stick around for that. She argued that I'm giving up and in the end we'd win because we're the good guys if we keep being there. I asked her how she could be so sure.

I told her it doesn't always work and she told me it's because the steps are usually not as good as me but I was always amazing to her kids and just needed to work harder. I've seen our child almost every day since I moved out (the house was Lisa's before our marriage).

And I'm determined to follow through with the divorce. Lisa keeps telling me I need to reconsider and I need to man up and her father even confronted me about it. Actually while he was confronting me we could hear Lisa and the kids fighting over her calling me their dad. But he repeated what she did that I signed up to be their dad and should fight harder. AITA?

The internet had a lot of thoughts.

Sebscreen wrote:

NTA. She expects you to move heaven and earth to achieve the impossible while failing at it herself and doing absolutely nothing to help you meet her expectations.

She is setting you up to get accused of hurting her kids.

Oh_Wiseone wrote:

NTA - your wife doesn’t see the real problem. If her kids complain to the police, you can lose your job, your reputation - everything. There are too many horror stories of children making false claims and destroying the persons life. Do not interact with the kids by yourself, and record everything, for evidence to protect yourself.

OP responded:

She does see it on some level. The issue is she expects me to tolerate when that happens and stay strong in being there for my stepkids.

Eastern_Condition863 wrote:

Ask her how you will be able to be there if you're in jail? She is living in la la land and is not based in reality. I think SHE is the one who needs individual therapy. At this rate, her kids won't speak with her once they hit 18 if she keeps pushing.

OP responded:

She didn't want to hear about individual counseling. I was the only person who carried on going and I don't regret it.

Ok-Nefariousness wrote:

I would have left as soon as the threat was made.

OP responded:

I technically did. It was the same day. I just talked to Lisa about it first.

writierthanthou wrote:

It may take years, but don't give up on full custody. Persist in reporting issues about the treatment of Lisa's children toward your three-year-old. That is an instance where you shouldn't give up.

OP responded:

I'll definitely be working with my lawyer to do all I can to protect my child.

WanderingMadManRedux wrote:

NTA. Between the ex, the kids, the FIL, your wife, and the courts... you need to make sure you are good and get out of that mess. Document everything. The date and time the kid made the threat, the stuff the ex said, all of it. Keep it somewhere that you and your divorce lawyer can access 24/7.