'AITA for telling my son's GF to stay away because she's distracting him from responsibility?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my son's girlfriend to stay away from him because she is distracting him from his responsibilities."

I (50M) am a single father to my son (15M),

(My then girlfriend got addicted to dr#$s and walked out shortly after he was born. She is no longer in our lives.)

My son has been making exceptional grades and he plays for his high school's baseball team, he is pretty good at that though my opinion may be a little biased lol anyway, that was until he starting dating a girl (17F).

They met when they were assigned as partners on a project and I guess they hit it off pretty fast because this came out of the blue for me when I picked him up one day and he just said "Dad, I have a girlfriend now." I was proud and excited for him that my son was finally becoming a man, I also had a remedial version of the "talk" with him (can never be too careful).

They've been dating for the past few months and they seem very happy together, but my problem is that my son's grades have been slipping, he's been skipping out on chores at the house, and missing practice/games. I'm not mad that he is dating. However, that should come after business (school, baseball, etc.).

So last week I told him that he is no longer allowed to spend time with her unless he gets his life together, he responded "But Dad, I really like this girl," I told him " That doesn't matter, if you fail and flunk out of school, I don't want you seeing her and that's final."

He signed and said "fine." I figured that was the end of it, well, until yesterday when I come back home from the store, and I found them on the living room couch together (he lied to me and said he would have a friend over to study). My son froze like a deer in headlights, I told him to go to his room, and then I turned to his GF.

Now I'll admit that I might have been a little stern, but I told her to "get the hell out of my house and stay away from my son, he doesn't need this distraction, and if I ever catch you two together again, it won't be pretty for either of you."

Then the water works started, and she stormed out. I go upstairs to my son, who is already on the phone, telling my mother and my sister (his aunt and grandmother have always spoiled him).

I take the phone and try to explain, but I get lectured for "being too hard on him, he's just a boy, etc.) I'm just trying to keep my son from ruining his life before it even starts. If he fixes his grades and everything, he can see her again. So I figured it'd be best to get an unbiased third party opinion. AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

YellowCabbageCollard wrote:

You are an insanely sh#$ty person. You have no right to talk that way to a 17 yo girl. You literally yelled and threatened her and have the gall to say she turned on the water works? What a disgusting person you are.

You are also a complete idiot that you would say he had to cut off his relationship with his girlfriend entirely because his grades started slipping. No chance to bring them up. Just ending it all. Is this even real? Did you find a manual for how to screw your kid up and make him hate you?

You can't even control yourself and behave appropriately but you expect two teenagers to be perfect and also completely end their relationship because of your completely stupid and poorly thought out rules!?

Rbf_CEO wrote:

YTA. You’re allowed to be angry your son did lie to you and go behind your back, but holy Christ on a bike, that is no excuse to threaten anyone! You’re 50 year old man right? How hard would it have been to (in a calm manner) simply ask your son’s gf to leave, and then go and talk to your son about what happened? Your son’s gf is not responsible for his actions and choices.

Also “finally becoming a man” LMAO this coming from a guy who let his anger get the better of him and threatened a teenage girl??

If you know so much about being a man, apologise to your son and especially his GF.

Barkingatthemoon wrote:

Misogynistic much ??? Your tone is scary.

OP responded:

I know now that I was the asshole for yelling at her, but how was I misogynistic, I have no hate for women. If the genders were reversed, I would have yelled at my daughters bf, too.

cmlee164 responded:

Except the roles aren't reversed and you're not yelling at your son for f--in up his responsibilities, you're yelling at his girlfriend for it. You're 50, not 150, let's not pretend like grown men shouting at minor girls is normal.

liquidypoo2 wrote:

Watch out, commenters, OP's a major bada$$ whose accomplishments include intimidating a teenage girl into crying. Best let OP down gently when we tell him he's TA or else he'll let his emotions run wild and scream at us.

YTA you pathetic excuse for a man.

After getting lots of feedback, OP shared an update.

Ok, so first, I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to give me this well-deserved, years long, overdue attitude adjustment. I was an AH in this situation. While I was in the right to be worried about my son's academic performance and his responsibilities at home, I'll admit that I let my temper get the best of and I acted on impulse with how I handled this situation.

I shouldn't have yelled at that girl. After talking to my son, it turns out that he never told her that he wasn't allowed to see her. She didn't know, and I should've gone to my son instead of taking it out on her.

My job plus the past trauma from my ex leaving are not stresses that I can self manage anymore, I'm done lying to myself, and I will be looking into therapy soon. My son has invited her over for dinner later this week, I plan to apologize and explain the situation and I'll try to work with them to have fair rules that will encourage my son to stop slacking off while also allowing him to spend time with her.

You get more flies with honey and vinegar, and prohibition will only make my son lie and sneak around, which could lead him to doing dangerous/irresponsible things. I showed my son some of the comments, and he's been laughing his ass off at everyone roasting me, lol. I may post another update this week after dinner if I remember.

The comments kept coming in.

PinAccomplished76 wrote:

I’m glad you’re changing your tune, it takes a lot to admit that you’re wrong. You obviously just want the best for your son, and I commend that!

As a woman tho, please don’t yell at young girls like that ever again, you’re gonna give her issues towards men that she doesn’t deserve. I also just want to tell you that the stricter you are with your son, the more likely he is to rebel and resent you. There does need to be discipline though, but you’ll have to find a balance!

Littlemammoth6 wrote:

The consequences of threatening a teenaged girl “won’t be pretty for you..”

You’d just better hope it’s the police that have that conversation with you and not that girls father You sound insane. Let your son be a kid.

Annaflixion wrote:

Why did the teenager cross the road? Answer: Because somebody told him not to. YTA both because your anger is directed at the wrong person and because you're being dumb about how you're handling this anyway. 15 is that time when they're getting independent and testing boundaries.

Your job is to help them understand their behavior has consequences, not by blowing up and making really stupid ultimatums, but by sitting down and discussing things, and learning to work WITH him instead of trying to bulldoze OVER him. Do you want a teenage pregnancy?

Because this is how you get a teenage pregnancy. Now they have an excuse to be secretive and pretend the whole world doesn't understand their love, it's them against the wooooorld, blah blah blah. They won't stop seeing each other. They'll just stop telling you the truth. This just makes it feel more fun and forbidden and rebellious.

Two days later, OP jumped on with another update.

Hey, folks, thanks for sticking around through this mess, alright so let's get to it: So, my son brought her over for dinner, and the first thing I did was apologize to her, both for yelling and for telling her to leave, I emphasized that she was innocent in the situation and I shouldn't have reacted the way I did.

She accepted my apology, and now I feel a little less like a monster, lol.

I also fully explained the situation with my son slacking off, and she was extremely understanding, and it turns out she's actually a pretty smart girl herself (Honor society, 4.0, AP classes, etc.).

Turns out my son has been, well, "downplaying" to her just how bad he's been slacking off to her. She is actually willing to help me hold him accountable. She has a car, so she'll start taking him to baseball practice and his games (it actually makes it easier on me and it means they'll be able to see each other more after school while ensuring he actually goes).

Plus, he's more motivated to go if she is there supporting him.

That and she'll also start helping him study so he can get his grades back up (again, they can spend time together outside of school, but he'll also get his homework done)

She joked and said that his household chores were on him. She draws the line at his dirty underwear, lol. However, my son did agree to start doing better at cleaning up after himself around the house.

You know it really is amazing what can happen when you express your concerns through a discussion instead of a lecture/rant. It actually felt like my son was taking in and understanding what I was telling him instead of just "get a load of this old man."

And for some backstory about my son's gf, it turns out they use my house for their primary hangout spot because her parents don't like her relationship with him, apparently they were glad that my little outburst the other day "scared her away, hopefully for good." I don't really know how to feel about that.

I was half expecting an angry dad to be on my doorstep. Whatever happened from there would be 100% on me, lol. Anyway, I also told them that they are welcome to hang out at the house anytime (within reason, of course), as I don't want them sneaking around and getting in trouble.

If they ever need "privacy" just let me know (not directly lol) and I'll find a reason to be out of the house for a few hours no questions asked, just be safe and smart and try not to make me a grandfather until my pension is firing on all cylinders.

I'm really happy and proud of my son, and I'm glad that he's starting to experience love for the first time. Once his girlfriend left, I (half-jokingly) told him, "Don't screw this up. She really cares about you and had a heart to forgive me after what I did. "

Thanks to the fine people here for the advice and the course correction.

So all things considered, I think this situation is resolved and all is forgiven. Thanks, folks.

The internet was fully invested in the update.

llc4269 wrote:

My youngest is your son's age and my dude, you are messing this up in a way that could go pretty poorly. I have compassion for your story I really do and I'm super glad you're looking into therapy.

You really need to follow through with that. You are raising your son to feel like his partner will be in charge and accountable for basic functioning in his life. And you were training this girl to feel like she is responsible for crap that she is not responsible to manage. Especially at 17!

Your son is young and I know this is your first rodeo but you really need to find some good parenting models to emulate. I don't care if it's books, people, therapist, parenting groups, whatever. If you do not nip this in the bud you are increasing the chance that your son will not function independently on his own or at least not live up to his own potential. And you got to stop putting this on his girlfriend.

Yes boyfriend and girlfriend studied together and they can be inspired by each other and do things like cheer each other on. What is wrong here is the pressure for her as an accountability for your son to basically function in ways that he really needs to learn to do independently. And that's not on her to teach him.

If I was his girlfriend's parents there is just no way I would let my kid date your son if I knew that this was going on. It's not fair to her at all. I don't care if she says she wants it she's a kid and that is not her responsibility nor her job. stop making it so.

RaiseIreSetFires wrote:

YTA. It's not this HS girl's responsibility or job to keep your slack off son in line. Why is she being b#$lied into doing your job as a parent for you? Why does she have to add more responsibilities into her life because, your son is slacking off? Why does she have to stoop down to pick your son up, when he's supposedly so intelligent? Why is she being made responsible for two men's failures?

FFS. Do your damn job and be a parent! Have her come back over, apologize for trying to put yours and your son's f up on her, and tell her the only time she'll be seeing your son is at your house when he's pulled his head fully and completely from his a$$. This is disgusting behavior you're displaying and modeling for your son. Be better, much, much, much better.

Cursd818 wrote:

Right, so...you've accepted this girl's offer to behave like your son's mother? That's not quite the win you think it is. You still need to teach your son how to manage his own responsibilities, and you quite clearly haven't done that here.

You've just agreed to offload them to a minor. I don't care that she offered to do it - women are socialised from birth to take care of men. You should have said no and parented your son so that he takes care of his own future rather than setting the precedent that a woman will do it for him.

You've made some progress here, but not a lot. Please continue to try to do better, and don't let that poor girl carry the mental load because you can't be bothered to finish the job of parenting your kid. No wonder her parents are pissed at this mess.