'AITA for telling my sister nobody was surprised her kid said he didn't care she lives or not?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my sister nobody was surprised when her kid said he did not care she was alive or not?"

I come from a big family. We are 5 siblings, 2 sets of twins (50F-my sister (her twin passed in utero), 47M-me and my brother, 42F-my other two sisters).

We are taking about our biggest one. My parents were really careful to not parentify him because they both had the same fate in their family. They took good care of us, all of us have fruitful and satisfying careers. The problem is (at least for my sister) they didn't push us there. They encouraged but they never had the expectation.

This was a problem for my biggest sister. She always found them "lazy and unmotivated" and she limited contact with us after she graduated law school. She has become a really successful lawyer, married to a renowned surgeon(who is my friend from medical school, a really ambitious guy who is also a real OCD) and had his son at age 32 via IVF, it was all planned.

After she had her son, aka my nephew, she started to push him really hard. She was trying to make him read at age 2, she sent him to piano lessons from age 4 and had 1-1 tutors since he was first grade. He was never allowed to have free time and every moment of his life was curated.

The only time slot he had was Saturday afternoon and where he would visit my parents and we always planned events and free time for him. His teenage years were absolute hell. He was forced beyond his capacities by my sister and BIL and when he was 16, he tried to take his own life at the hospital BIL works at by stealing benzo from the nurse counter.

After that, he had a good time in the inpatient ward (5 months in ward,3 months in a group home) and after that, he wanted to stay with me(I am the only one from my siblings who does not have a kid and I live with my husband in a three store villa so he can have the roof to himself) BIL had an awakening and he divorced my sister after this.

Him and nephew had a year of family therapy and last summer he moved in back with BIL and he also decided to pursue medicine. (I don't live in the US, medical school starts directly after high school and it is 6 years).

During that time, my sister really dug into her heels. She blamed us and my BIL for letting him to be "weak", she said he was alive and he had to endure this so he could become "resilient and untouchable". She said in the court : "I don't care he feels bad, this is life, you either climb the ladder or you fall down. If he fell down there is nothing we can do, life goes on."

I never saw someone to look with pure anger like the head judge and he said "You are a really successful lawyer, I should give you that but you are really a terrible person and a being that can't be called a parent." And turned to my BIL and said "You need help, a lot of help."

Last January, my sister had a mini stroke (TIA) and she genuinely started to think about her life as I understood from my brother, who is the only one of us that checks up on her and last week, she tried to reach to my nephew but he directly said he did not care she was alive or not.

When she tried to talk to me about that I briefly said "What were you expecting sis?" and closed the call. Now all of the family calls me an AH and they think I should have supported her.

The internet did not hold back.

PickmyPumpkin wrote:

Sounds like your sister was more concerned with molding her son into a perfect image for her own ego than actually being a loving and supportive parent. You did the right thing by not sugarcoating the truth and holding her accountable.

Whereswolf wrote:

"You either climb the ladder or you fall down. If he fell down there is nothing we can do, life goes on."

So she fell down and have taught her son there's nothing he can do for her anyway and his life does goes on...so really..what did she expect? He learned from her. Why isn't she proud of what she taught him?

OP responded:

My psychiatrist friends always thought she is in cluster B and I couldn't agree more.

dgf2020 wrote:

NTA. You’re right and you were right to tell her so, she shouldn’t be expecting any other reaction. That expectation alone is proof she hadn’t actually changed, she just wants to make sure there will be people crying by her side at the hospital bed. Oh well. It seems karma is already doing her work here, it’s best not to get in her way. Let it be.

Aromatic_Recipe749 wrote:

NTA.

She’s been watering that garden for the boy’s entire life. Did she really not see she was drowning the flowers?

OP responded:

My sister blamed the flower itself and her co-gardener in this situation, not herself.

New-Number-7810 wrote:

NTA. Your poor nephew. He never got to have a childhood. He only got to be a kid for a few hours a week, and the rest was spent constantly working. His home life was so horrible that a f--ing inpatient ward was “a good time” for him!

OP, your sister is the devil. I hate her on your son’s behalf. She’s evil.

Honestly, your BIL is incredibly lucky that his son gave him another chance because he’s just as guilty for standing aside.

OP responded:

My BIL only knew hard work and grinding and I don't blame him. He was and still is one of the best cardiac surgeons in my area and I work with him at the same hospital. He is a really good guy at heart and came from a really poor family. I got him and his son saw him from a really different light when my sister wasn't in the picture. Life is complicated.

New-Number-7810 wrote:

Do you think he was also victimized by your sister?

OP responded:

To a degree, yes. My sister calculated her marriage with him at a precision. At divorce hearings when she was asked about her marriage she said it was calculated to maximize the benefits of being married with another person and just saw it as a step in the right direction.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

A little update: My brother had a talk with her. He laid down all the stuff I told here and made her read this post. To our surprise, she knew about this thread. When she asked about what to do about it, he said she should be working on herself and maybe be in peace with the fact she will die alone in a care home. He said "she was looking really defeated but she got why she was abandoned by the family.

She will leave the town for transferring her office to another state because she said to me it was too much pain for her. Again, egocentric perspective but she will leave, at least. She is leaving next Monday." My nephew said she wants to look at her eyes one last time before leaving so he will meet her at Saturday afternoon at my brother's house.

The comments kept coming.

ghostoftommyknocker wrote:

Like your sister, I was encouraged but never pushed. And I also think that my parents made a mistake. However, your sister, like a pendulum, swung too far the other way and became a monster to her son. You can push a child to achieve their best without being ab#$ive, without denying them downtime, and without driving them to attempt their lives.

NTA. It's good that the father had a wake-up call. He's lucky it wasn't too late for his relationship, but your sister clearly is -- and that's entirely her fault. As an aside, the wake-up call triggers are interesting.

It was your nephew's life that woke up his father. He saw the cry for help and finally listened. Your sister, however, had to have something hit her before she started having regrets. In way, even her regrets are all about her.

OP responded:

Now that I think, this is actually true. Funny story, my sister tried to make one of our little sister's cancer diagnoses about herself when we were young. Luckily, my parents didn't give a f about her. My BIL is clueless about how real life works out. Until recently, he worked 60+ hours per week and most of the daily stuff was handled for him.

He was in a boarding school since age 10 and at medical school he was dorming and he mostly stayed at his quarters ,studying ferociously or with our professors working on stuff.

He was the highest ranking student but he gave his place to speak at the graduation ceremony to his best friend because he didn't feel like he did enough. Last year, I taught him how to fill his tax refund form (Germans understand the pain).

_gadget_girl wrote:

NTA. Good parents give their children love and support so that they can reach their potential. Bad parents give their children what they think they should have, and selfishly push them to achieve things that matter to the parent or feed the parent’s ego. Your sister never treated her own son like an individual human being with feelings, preferences, and interests.

She would have raised any child she had exactly the same way regardless of what they actually needed from her. I don’t blame him one bit for saying what he said. Hopefully she understands that he means it, and that she probably will never meet her grandchildren or get any help from him when she is older other than maybe a ride to the nearest nursing home.

mfruitfly wrote:

NTA. Your lazy parents somehow raised 5 kids with resources, one of whom turned out to be a lawyer and one a doctor...sounds like they had the parenting recipe right. And no matter how she was raised, she raised her son terribly, and you aren't an AH for pointing out that she made bad decisions for years, and only when it impacted her emotional journey did she suddenly care.

OP responded:

My parents made mistakes but overall they were really good parents.

Four days later, OP shared another update.

Good morning from the gray city of Cologne. I have an update and after 24 hours to answer people's questions,I will log out from this account because I think it is over. Also the internet is really overstimulating for a guy who is in their second half of their 40s. First of all, my family does not blame me for her situation, they think I was an asshole for not listening to her.

They apologized after seeing the post though. All is well, we communicated. I also apologized for being too rough on them My sister is another story. Last night, we went to the house of my brother and SIL. She was there, sitting with no expression, just a dull face. When my nephew greeted her she just said "Hello, son." with a really neutral voice, scary even.

She looked at him after 5 minutes of silence and said "I failed you to raise, I gave you so much pain and I almost caused your life. For that, I am sorry. I am sorry for not realizing it sooner. At Monday, I will be leaving your lives and I will not ever come back. Just want you to know that I did what I thought was best. I understand now it wasn't." My nephew looked at him and said: "I unfortunately know."

"I know and see you still believe that we have to move on. I will move on mother, but without you. I will move with the people who loved me, not with someone who sees me as a training dog. Farewell, mother." and he gestured with his head that he wants to go. I looked at my sister and said : "Bye sis, I hope you find peace with your new life." She silently nodded and we left.

My brother and SIL told me that she will legally separate her ties with us in every way possible.

They are helping her to do that and SIL said: "We need this and she needs this. Us being separate will be much better for all of us."

Not a big ending but it is an ending to this. My parents and her had a talk at Friday and they realized the wounds are too big and painful to heal together. Not an happy ending, but at least it ended. Thanks for all for reading. I also took note of your recommendations and I will be applying them.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

DivineTarot wrote:

I'm not sure which way to perceive this. On the one hand, this is honestly for the best for the nephew, because he legit wanted to take his own life because of how she treated him. In a court of law she dug her heels in and straight up didn't care, and it was only when she had a mortality vibe check did she change her tune.

Not when he nearly ended his life, not when she got divorced and lost custody, but when she nearly died. That really says something here.

Yet, at the same time, it just feels like her willingness to immediately clam up, sever ties, and walk away reflects how hollow her attempts at reconciliation were. Like, I can't really applaud her for respecting a boundary, because the way she's doing it is ultimately in some way shape or form her trying to take back dignity in a situation where she isn't owed any.

RavishingRubby wrote:

Damn, this is heartbreaking but also seems like the only way for healing. Sounds like your nephew is a lot stronger than most people his age. Hope everyone finds peace eventually.

NatashaClean wrote:

Watching your sister push her son away like that, and then acting so detached, is devastating. It’s understandable to feel betrayed when someone you care about refuses to address the damage they’ve done.