'AITA for tricking my SIL into stealing our baby name?' UPDATED

"AITA for tricking my SIL into stealing our baby name?"

So I 33F have been married to my husband Kevin (35M) for almost 5 years. We have a 3 year old daughter and I'm currently pregnant with twins (M&F). My BIL Terrance (38M) has been married to his wife Jess (39F) for 7 years.

Jess and I are total opposites. Jess in an extrovert. She's kind of loud, boisterous and some would even say abrasive. I'm an introvert. I'm not quiet or shy, but I am reserved. I'm also very observant. The first time I met Jess, I told Kevin that we would be like oil and water.

We've have never been overtly hostile towards each other but also have never gone out of our way to bond. Unfortunately, Terrance and Jess had fertility issues for several years before finally having their son a couple weeks ago. Prior to this, Jess was very odd towards us when I was pregnant with our daughter. The best way to describe it is hot and cold.

One minute she pretended like she didn’t care while we were talking about it at family gatherings, the next she was volunteering to throw the baby shower (I gave a firm no to that.) We both assumed the behavior was because of their fertility issues and didn’t think too much of it. But the strangest thing she did was almost demand to know what we were naming our daughter before we announced it.

She asked us constantly after our gender reveal and got visibly annoyed when we just laughed her off and said it was a secret. We couldn’t understand why the hell she cared so much as she was not expecting at this time. Regardless, we didn’t share the name with anyone.

When our daughter was born and her name was finally announced, Jess was kind of… obsessed with it? Idk how to explain it. She just kept going on and on about how beautiful and unique it was. To this day she comments about how different it is. The name we chose is a common Welsh name which wouldn’t be all that different except for the fact that we are African American lol.

I've always gravitated towards names from different regions and found and fell in love with the name years ago and never shared it with anyone prior to Kevin. Fast forward to both of us being pregnant at the same time. Jess' odd behavior continued towards me but this time it was more blatant.

Snarky comments under the guise of jokes about how big I was going to get with two babies and that my body would never snap back like it did after our daughter. She even accused us of getting pregnant on purpose after she announced her own pregnancy even though the whole family knew we were actively trying and at the time of her announcement, I was already a few weeks along and didn't know.

One thing about me, introvert or not, I'm no push over and will stand up for myself. But, I chose to ignore Jess because I knew that would get to her more than confronting her would since she seems to thrive off drama.

Jess was obviously much further along than we are, however, we did have our gender reveal prior to Jess giving birth. And right on cue, the baby name interrogation started again. Because they decided not to find out the gender of their baby in advance, Jess kept hounding us for both of the names we had already picked out.

But again, we declined to answer. After days of this, I got annoyed and asked Kevin if he thought the reason for her insistence was so she could use the name first since she was due first. He kinda chuckled until he realized I was serious and said he didn’t think so but that anything was possible. So I said, “Let's test it.”

We were due to host my FIL's birthday at our house a couple weeks later and I decided to leave something in the unfinished nursery with a girl and boy name on it and see if Jess went snooping. Because Kevin thought it was silly, he said he would give me 20 bucks if she did it. So I went onto some site where you can order custom name wall decals and put in the names Aria Rose and Sebastian Ali.

These are names that we like but aren’t remotely close to what we chose. This will also be our last pregnancy so even if Jess did use them, we wouldn’t care. I didn’t complete the order. I got to the final page and then printed it out and hid it in a dresser drawer in the nursery. The party goes off but because we were busy hosting, we never noticed if Jess disappeared for any extended period of time.

When I went into the nursery the next morning, nothing was out of place and the order sheet was still in the exact location. So we both just went “welp” and forgot about it. I did however notice that Jess never asked us about the names again. Then Jess gives birth. We went to the hospital to give our congrats. When we go in and see the baby, I asked what his name was and man!

I cannot properly explain the s--t-eating grin that came over Jess’ face as she says Sebastian Ali. I mean she was REALLY proud of herself and honestly, it’s the most vindictive I have ever seen her look in the years I’ve known her. But instead of reacting how she was expecting, I put on a performance like I had graduated from Julliard.

“Omg that’s such a great name. He’s so cute, look at his widdle face. Oh I just love him so much. Welcome to the world, Sebastian. Auntie is gonna spoil you rotten.” I mean I am laying it on THICK without an ounce of bother. The range of emotions on Jess’ face went from shock to confusion to rage in a span of maybe 17 seconds.

Meanwhile my husband is holding in the laugh of the century. We later say our goodbyes and he gives me a 20 in the elevator while almost crying laughing. All I could say was, “like I thought.” This was two weeks ago and we haven’t seen them since because we wanted to give them time to settle in with the new baby.

I have heard from my MIL that Jess doesn’t seem as thrilled about motherhood as she thought she would be considering how long it took them to conceive but said it might just be baby blues. Obviously, I think she’s just disappointed that her petty move didn’t have the desired effect on us. I did share this with my sister and while she laughed initially, she did say it was kind of an AH move. So, AITAH?

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

SavvyMaverick wrote:

NTA. No one told her to go snooping. She thought she had taken something important away from you and was proud of it. You clearly pegged her correctly. It could have been worse. You could have chosen a "tragedeigh" name and that child would be stuck with it lol.

OP responded:

You know what's funny, I just found out about that Tragedeigh subreddit like last week LOL.

Proper-Foundation688 wrote:

NTA and well played. Jess got exactly what she deserved.

teresajs wrote:

NTA.

That's hilarious! Put SIL on an information diet about anything having to do with your pregnancy and kids. SIL probably isn't done trying to cause drama.

OP responded:

I am more concerned about this now. Before her pregnancy, her and BIL lived in another state for years. That's why it was so easy for me to ignore her. They moved back here in May and its become harder to dodge her.

orangebubblygirl wrote:

NTA. Jess was so obsessed with your names, it was almost like she was trying to claim them for herself. She got exactly what she deserved, and the look on her face was priceless!

OP responded:

That's what I think now also. Meanwhile the actual reason we don't announce names before hand isn't because we're worried about them being stolen, but because we don't want people's unsolicited opinions. I definitely think if she had learned our daughter's name early, should would have told us it was stupid and tried to talk us out of it.

snugrosie wrote:

NTA. You wondered if this was her plan. If you confronted her about your suspicions, you would have looked crazy and spiteful. Setting up a ‘test’ to see if you’re correct or not wasn’t wrong. She may never have looked in the drawers. She may have started a betting pool on your baby names and would have been upset when she didn’t win it because she thought she had inside information.

What you did was non confrontational and absolutely brilliant. It showed you who she is. You didn’t slander her to the family or make a big deal about it. You gathered intel that will guide you down the road when dealing with the crazy. No one else has to know aside from you and your husband. And the internet. I’m so grateful you shared this on the internet.

angry_scream wrote:

If you really want to drive her crazy, you can tell everyone that you got to pick the name for her baby! You can say that you printed out those names because you were going to suggest them to her for her child, but then felt like it would be overstepping. You were so pleased when SIL found the names and must have decided to honor you by picking your choice. Lay it on thick.

12 days later OP came back with this update:

Hey yall. Thanks for the responses to my original post. The comments were funnier than I was expecting and kept me and my husband pretty entertained. I tried to respond to as many as I could before they got away from me. I’ve gotten some messages asking for an update but nothing major has really happened.

Jess didn’t break in to my house to push me down the steps and steal my kid lol. I did get some additional info tho that I can pass along. Before I get to that, I want to give a little context about my relationship with Jess to explain why I did what I did. Feel free to skip past it.

To put it plainly, Jess and I have been in a one-sided beef since the day Kevin and I started dating. I give her zero thought if I don’t have to and yet, I live rent free in her mind. Based on snide comments she’s made over the years, the reason why is jealousy. Kevin and I dated for only a year before we got engaged.

We then were married within 6 months of that engagement. We had an actual wedding with a ceremony and reception, went on a honeymoon, bought a house in the burbs and got pregnant in rapid succession. Both of us have good careers and are financially stable. MIL, FIL and GMIL all adore me (there is a churchy reason behind this that I will spare you on.)

Jess and Terrence did not have a similar path. They had been on and off since they were 19/20 with Terrence never really wanting to commit. During one of their breaks, Terrence got a FWB pregnant and now has an 11yo son.

This has always been a sore subject with Jess due to her fertility struggles (fibroids). When they finally got back together, she pressed him for marriage until he relented and gave her a shut-up ring.

They went to the courthouse on a random Tuesday then had dinner at Red Lobster afterwards and went back to work the next day. Not trying to be shady, just relaying the facts. They now live in a 2br apartment in a HCOL city while working hourly jobs. They aren’t minimum wage or anything, but constantly need OT to make ends meet.

This has led her to resent me over the years. She thinks everything has come easily to me and has let that fester. There was a time a few years ago at a gathering where she got drunk and got into an argument with Terrence. I think her attitude that night stemmed from seeing me with my infant daughter. To hurt him, she blurted out that she married the wrong brother. Everyone was shocked.

I wasn’t. She just said the quiet part out loud and revealed what I already knew. So I poked her a little and said “really which one? That’s kinda gross since both were minors when you met them.” Context: Kevin and Terrence also have a younger brother Tim (28).

Boy did she fly off the handle after that lol. To this day she claims to have no memory of that night. Anyway, now I know there is a new reason why she resents me.

The update:

Like I said, nothing has really happened since I last posted. I haven’t seen or heard from Jess since that day in the hospital. Terrence also hasn't communicated much with Kevin other than sports talk. However, my MIL has been with them almost every day. She came over yesterday to go over some last-minute things for our baby shower that we are having the Saturday after Halloween.

I am not due till late January, but with the holidays and twins tending to arrive early, we just wanted to get it out of the way. Anyway, after finalizing some things, I asked MIL how Terrence and Jess were doing. She sighed and leaned back in her chair and said “girl, it’s a mess.”

She goes on a long word vomit that I will have to summarize. Basically, they’ve been at it since before the baby was born. When they were discussing names, Jess’ list only consisted of girl names. When Terrence asked what if it’s a boy, Jess was adamant that it wouldn’t be, but if it was, they would just use Terrence Jr.

This caused an argument because Terrence’s 11yo is not named after him and it would be petty to name the second son a Jr.

Unbeknownst to me, Jess was having severe anxiety over not the name, but the gender of their baby. So much so that she refused to find out early because she was afraid of disappointment and she wanted to enjoy her pregnancy believing she was having a girl. She really wanted a girl. I mean REALLY wanted a girl.

This goes back to MIL imo. MIL is the only girl of 4 brothers. She had 3 boys. 2 of her 3 boys (Tim has a 6yo) have boys. Then my daughter came along. MIL actually broke down in tears at our gender reveal. Since the day she was born, MIL has become a little obsessed with her lol. Not in a JNMIL way.

She knows and respects boundaries, but the whole family is aware that my daughter is MIL’s favorite person in the world. I think Jess thought that by having a girl, she would get that same attention and affection from MIL as she has never been Jess’ biggest fan.

When that didn’t happen, something “short circuited in her head.” MIL’s words, not mine. Before we arrived at the hospital that day, they were still fighting over a name. So I guess when I showed up she just blurted it out. While I still think it was to hurt me, it seems like it was also because she didn’t allow herself to think of anything else because she didn’t want a boy.

I said in the first post how I noticed her expression, however I completely failed to notice Terrence's. He was pissed. Jess had never mentioned that name to him prior and he had no clue where it even came from. He also hated it. He refused to sign off on that and they left the hospital without a name.

In our state, you only have 7 days from birth to register a name. She eventually told Terrence to pick the name himself and that she didn’t care anymore. So he did. He swapped out Sebastian for Jordan but kept Ali. (Yes, after Michael and Muhammed lol)

According to MIL, since they've been home, Jess has shut down emotionally. She's been doing all the motherly things, but there's a disconnect there. MIL said she finally broke down to her a few nights ago that she'll likely never have a daughter due to her age and what it took to get pregnant in the first place.

I think that will bring them closer together since MIL never got the daughter she wanted either. I also felt bad hearing that because regardless of how I feel about her as a person, I do have a heart and would never want to punch down on her if she's in the throws of PPD.

Jess still hasn’t admitted to snooping. So I haven’t admitted to setting her up. A few comments said I should never confess, but I think I will at some point. Mainly because I don’t care lol. I am more than willing to burn a bridge while I am still standing on it. But now simply isn't the time.

So that’s it. That’s the lackluster update. Jess is invited to my baby shower so I might be back in a couple weeks depending on how that shakes out.

Here's what people had to say after the update:

SavvyMaverick wrote:

Well damn! That's not where I saw this going. Might not have been crazy as you say, but definitely quite the revelation. I feel for Jess to a point but the minute she made that comment about my husband, all gloves would have been off.

Your restraint is commendable lol. I hope she gets counseling so that that little boy doesn't have to grow up knowing his mother didn't want him. PS. Absolutely don't listen to the person who said to go out of your way to be nice to her. This site is full of willing doormats and I'm actually quite sick of it 🙄

OP responded:

I am mostly worried about my nephew in all of this but I really do think MIL will step up and help. I don't know if I can or what that would even look like. We've never been close before this and likely never will.

The best way for me to help is actually to just leave her be. Every momma deserves a village and had she shown me the slightest bit of kindness in all these years, I would be a part of that. Yet here we are.

IcyWheel wrote:

There is no reason to ever tell anyone else about the name game. What would be the point, there's enough bad blood between the two of you and exposing it would not bring anything positive to anyone's life. It would be petty, the temporary high would be beneath you.

OP responded:

I think if no one asks then I won't tell, but if confronted with it, I'm not going to lie.

serjicalme wrote:

But... how "confronted"? Only you and your husband know about the "setting". Who is to confront you about it?

OP responded:

Jess. If she ever asks me about the names and why I didn't use them, I'll tell her. But for her to do that, she would first have to admit her part. So it's unlikely.

Martha90815 wrote:

That was NOT lackluster! The Villain Origin Story for Jess was actually quite relevant and her ongoing jealousy toward your good fortune is rather sad. So for her to initiate, as you said, a 1 sided beef, is beyond wild. Stealing a baby name to make you angry? Nice try honey. I don't blame you for telling her about the set up- she's trifling. Still NTA.

OP responded:

I read my fair share of stories online and they always go off the rails so I thought this would be boring in comparison lol. However I also recognize that most of those stories are fake.

UrLovelyDolly wrote:

Wow, what a wild ride! 😂 It sounds like Jess has a lot going on, and honestly, I can’t believe she let her jealousy take over like that. But, like, it’s super relatable how we all want that special bond, especially with family!

I think it’s kinda brave of you to share the truth at some point. I mean, burning bridges can be freeing, but only if you’re ready for it! 💁‍♀️ I hope your baby shower goes well—fingers crossed for some good drama! 🥳

OP responded:

Someone in the comments of the last post said it'll be obvious when my babes are born and my daughter isn't named Aria lol. I have a feeling Jess won't even show up to the shower and that may be for the best.

meadow_chef wrote:

I hope those close to Jess are monitoring her for PPD. She seems to be wound pretty tight and the circumstances seem rife for her to spiral pretty quickly.

OP responded:

So do I. I know that in addition to MIL, Jess' own mother is still in town and helping her but she lives in another state and I think she's supposed to be leaving soon.

Material_Cellist4133 wrote:

I actually feel bad for your SIL. I know she has her faults and she is projecting her hate onto you unfairly. But it seems like she just wants to feel wanted, which is sad.

I wouldn’t admit to it, even though in the last post I said you totally should to be petty. Her life just seems sad. I bet she didn’t see herself with a man who didn’t want to be with her and her feeling so unwanted at this stage in life.

OP responded:

My thoughts exactly. Because 90% of this dynamic was in place before I arrived, I never took it into consideration. I just judged her based on how she's treated me in the least 6-7 years. Whether or not that's fair is debatable, but there's almost 20 years of history here that I probably should have considered.